Hello again, my friends! I hope you're all having a nice week so far. :-)
I thought I'd pop in here quickly today to share something that's been working really well for us lately - a little tool I've found helpful in managing a morning routine with our special needs son. So please read on for the "why" behind our A.M. Token Board, and then a bit further down I'll tell you exactly how we use it!
Now in my most recent post I alluded to the fact that Earlybird (our 18yo autistic son who attends a special needs program at the local high school) has recently been struggling mightily with anxiety, particularly in the mornings as we get him ready for school. He does fine once he’s there - he loves his teachers and peers and he comes home happy as a clam - but getting him TO school each morning has been, to put it mildly, pretty rough.
So depending on when his anxiety hits him, he either becomes very resistant at home as we move through his routine - or he balks once we pull up to the school and then absolutely refuses to step out of the car. (Spoiler alert - he never gets out of going - he always ends up attending school. And honestly I'm kind of proud of that fact because truth be told there were many days I just wanted to "pull the chute" and keep him home .. just so he'd stop being angry and making a fuss. But it was, and remains, crucial that EB understand he can't act out in such a manner and then get his way.)
But first, a little back story ...
Since EB was very young he's had anxiety, though we didn't know what to call it for years. Come to find out, anxiety presents in all kinds of ways, both physical and psychological, and oftentimes, it looks and feels a little differently for autistic folks. Almost a year ago we finally started EB on an anti-anxiety medication, and thankfully it has helped him quite a bit. There are times though, when something gets the better of him - a new fear or frustration - when we find ourselves scrabbling around, trying to A. identify the source of anxiety, which can be completely obscure, and B. figure out how best to help him.
We are very grateful to our ABA team and the school staff for all the amazing support they've provided, but ultimately Earlybird is our son and our responsibility and nobody loves him or knows him like we do. And of course, nobody lives with him 24/7 like we do!
So when this new and upsetting behavior developed last fall, our first question was - what changed? Why did EB go from contentedly going off to school each day ... to suddenly refusing? And not just politely refusing, mind you - oh no, there was nothing polite about his demeanor on these mornings.
Full disclosure: our EB is the sweetest, most lovable and loving kid, but when he doesn't want to do something - well, that's when we see his most challenging behaviors.
As exasperating as the situation got though, this phrase kept flitting through my mind:
"My child's not giving me a hard time, he's having a hard time."
As much as I love this quote, frankly, EB was in fact, giving me a hard time. But I also recognized that his combative behavior was stemming from somewhere. Something was bothering him deeply.
So we tried to figure it out. We talked with his teachers and therapists. We thought back over his experiences at home and at school. And we did identify a few little blips on his radar roundabouts late October/early November that perhaps created some new tension for EB:
- A bad cold that kept him out of school and sent him home a couple of times threw him off kilter. (Suddenly a trip to the nurse was an everyday thing.)
- A shelter-in-place drill one day kicked off some real fretting and perseveration on being "afraid of school."
- He also developed a strong dislike (fear even) of hearing people chew - and became convinced a couple of his teachers were always chewing gum around him. (They weren't.)
Most of all though, this boy - for as social as he is - just really loves to be home, happily tucked inside his own comfort zone, surrounded by his things, his preferences and his people. He does enjoy being at school - but it's also a place where he has to do things that are not of his choosing or sometimes even to his liking ...
Sometimes he has to handle off-putting smells or irritating sounds, or there might be group activities he'd rather avoid. There are questions and expectations and responsibilities - new things to learn about and new thoughts to consider. It's extremely important work he's doing at school - because every day he lives out this lesson:
The world won't always adapt for EB - instead, he must learn how to adapt to the world.
In order to be a happy and successful member of society (within his family, our community, our town and the world) EB has to figure out how to deal with all of these things - but most of all, he must learn to manage his own reactions to them. For example ...
The folks who know and love him understand that humming makes EB miserable - but the person standing behind us in line won't know that. These are the kinds of things EB has to work on ...
School is an exciting place and it's rewarding and fun for EB - but it can also be a little (sometimes a lot) overwhelming, and I think what he's really been struggling with is the constant effort of having to be brave, tolerant and hard-working.
Honestly, I think EB simply got tired of trying so hard and just kind of ... hit a wall. I think he just wanted comfort instead of challenge. And when his "No more" was met with "Um, yes more" - that's when he really dug in his heels. And that's when the mornings became so ... unpleasant.
After the Christmas break however, I finally decided enough was enough. Because while I certainly feel for my boy and am proud of him and how much he's handled so far - his behavior had become inexcusable. I absolutely dreaded our mornings and my stress was at an all time high. By golly, I'd had enough too!
I'll be honest, I got a little mad. I raised my voice, and it did get his attention. Holy moly, Mama is mad? Mama is yelling at me?! I made it very clear to EB I would take no more sass from him and that without fail he WOULD be at school on this (and every) day. And while my ferocity did get us through the first few days back after break ... the thing is, that's not me. I'm not a yelling mama, and I didn't want our mornings to be so volatile and confrontational. I had to find a way to get EB on track while staying true to myself and my own style of parenting.
So, planner mom that I am, I first decided to draw up a checklist.
I broke down, into simple little steps, exactly what we needed to do to get ourselves successfully out the door, in my van, and on our way to school. I made it easy to get those first few checks so that he'd feel like he was well on his way - and I made sure he knew he was earning something he really prefers - a special treat to enjoy on the ride and a little extra time on YouTube later at home. (Food and video are EB's greatest motivators!)
After a couple of days of moderate success, I showed the chart to his teacher who kindly offered to re-design the graphics (such as they were - not, lol) and laminate the whole thing for me. She used something on her computer called "Boardmaker," for those in the know ... and as you can see above she made the board visually interesting yet kept it pretty straight forward.
Here are the steps to EB's morning routine:
Got up when asked ✅
Said a nice good morning ✅
Ate breakfast ✅
Shower ✅
Dress ✅
Brush Teeth ✅
Jacket and Shoes ✅
Nice goodbye and in Car ✅
= a little treat to enjoy in the car!
(Then, part two ... because he often gets through all the above nicely but then balks at getting out of the car and going into school with his teacher)
Nice hello and go in with teacher ✅
= YouTube 1st thing when you get home!
(Our ABA therapist meets us at the house directly after school and before they start any work, if he's earned that last check, she allows him to watch train videos on YT for 6 minutes.)
✅ ✅ ✅ ✅ ✅ ✅ ✅ ✅ ✅ ✅ ✅ ✅
The little checkmarks are all laminated and have velcro dots on the back which stick to the velcro just above each step of the routine. EB likes to put these on himself!
👍🏻
Now, I think this Token Board works so well for a few reasons:
*but wait - let me just knock on wood here - because I don't want to jinx it*
1. Earlybird loves treats and YouTube. Both things are highly motivating for him. Is this bribery? Not in my book, because it's an agreement. Work = Reward. But - if he is fresh with me or exhibits unsafe behavior at any time, he does not earn that check. So far he's gotten grumbly a few times but he has still earned all his checks!
2. The board also takes the "voice of command" away from ME and makes it something entirely neutral. This is a big ABA thing as I'm sure many autism parents recognize. So in this instance, I'm not telling EB to get in the shower, get dressed and brush his teeth etc. ... the BOARD is telling him to do it. It just is what it is. There's less emotion involved and less room for complaint. At least, in theory.
3. EB was already familiar with token boards. He's used them with his home therapists in the past and his teacher uses them with the kids in her classroom. Right away EB recognized the board "system" and knew from experience that the reward would indeed be forthcoming and would ultimately be worth the work.
Note: the little checkmark tokens are kept in a plastic baggie that EB's teacher stapled to the back of the laminated sheet. This keeps them handy and safely stashed when not in use.
And that's our A.M. Token board in a (rather large) nutshell!
And now I'll wrap up because this post has grown much longer than it was intended to be ...
I do hope you found this helpful or perhaps interesting - I think this idea would work well for all kinds of kids who enjoy visual learning and order and maybe could use a little help keeping on track. I'm sure many of you who are special needs parents are familiar with this concept - maybe with some of the challenges, too.
Lastly, I thank you for letting me share what has been a very personal and trying situation for me. It felt good to get it all written down and off my chest. I really don't mean to complain, and I hope this all didn't read as such, because we are so blessed - not just with the support we have around us but by EB himself. He's a Gift and a Love and has taught me more than I ever thought I'd need to know about being a mom ... the kind of mom I really want to be. I've said this before but I truly mean it - I thank God every day for entrusting us with EB's care. Autism parenting is tough and sometimes - oftentimes - I worry, about so many things ...
It's not always easy to figure out what's the best thing to do. But I'm glad we're given a new chance to think and try and love more each and every day.
Phew, thanks for listening, friends!
And thanks as always for stopping by ... I'll see you here again very soon!
